How to overcome Eldest Daughter Syndrome
If you’re the eldest daughter, or you know an eldest daughter, you know the signs of this all too well. Prioritizing others, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and anxiety. Yep, yep, yep, and a big yep. If you want to learn more about the signs of Eldest Daughter Syndrome, read more here. But how do you overcome Eldest Daughter Syndrome?
There are some strategies that I’ll share below, but first, let’s talk about why Oldest Daughter Syndrome is such a real challenge.
Why is being the eldest daughter hard?
Many of the eldest daughter characteristics can come off to others and even the eldest daughter herself as helpful and positive, while at the same time creating and contributing to challenges throughout her life. Oftentimes the characteristics can leave the person feeling they’re doing a “good job” or being “productive,” which can reinforce the feelings and patterns even more. Feelings of accomplishment or success (especially for perfectionists) can become a self-reinforcing cycle.
In some family dynamics, the Eldest Daughter Syndrome can be influenced and reinforced in a way that creates trauma for the individual. This can be especially present in families where the mother and grandmother are also eldest daughters and have normalized the pressures of the role. In these cases, it can become even more challenging for the daughter to set and reinforce healthy boundaries as family may push back in different ways. In families with long-standing traditions, eldest daughters can feel direct and indirect pressure to be the ones responsible for keeping those traditions alive and going. They may be deemed “keeper of the stuff” with the responsibility of holding onto family heirlooms and little things kept from those that have passed. They feel it’s their job to keep the family happy and connected.
Outside of families, our society as a whole socializes women to prioritize caring for others, even at the expense of themselves. Mom’s may hear (and internalize) the message that if they’re not sacrificing every bone in their body for their kids, they’re “doing it wrong.” Some of these messages are direct, but some of the messages are subtle and sneak into the expectations women put on themselves by comparing themselves to other women around them. The friend who takes the reins to plan the entire girls trip, down to the personalized cups is rewarded by positive feedback from the group. The mom who makes the Pinterest-worthy party favors for the classroom is rewarded with praise on social media from other moms. You may find yourself thinking “that’s what I should be doing” even if you know you don’t have the time, money, or resources to do it at the same level. If you do manage to do it, the positive reinforcement from the group may leave you feeling you need to keep doing it to stay in the group's favor.
Why being the eldest daughter is so exhausting?
Because many of the eldest daughter characteristics can show up in ways of looking like a “good friend”, “attentive mom”, “supportive sister”, “loving wife”, “thoughtful daughter”, or “resourceful coworker,” the mental and emotional toll can sneak up on you. Especially in situations where you’re having to be on for so many people in different settings throughout the day, the constant drain on your energy can feel like a slow and continuous drip rather than a time-limited strain. This can make it harder to notice until your mental or emotional battery is at 0% and you’ve got nothing left.
It’s also important to recognize that other people benefit from all you do as the eldest daughter. They reinforce it with thanks and praise, and that positive feedback keeps you going back. But sometimes it gets reinforced with guilt through those comments of “but you did it for me before…” or “but there’s no one else who can help me!” And because they benefit, they’re not as likely to point it out to you or help you change this dynamic. Sometimes we have a great friend or a supportive partner who may call the patterns out and recognize the toll it’s taking on you, encouraging you to take a break. Oftentimes though, change here needs to start with you on the inside.
How to overcome Eldest Daughter Syndrome:
Recognize and name your own preferences and needs
So many eldest daughters have become so good at tuning into others needs, that they’ve lost touch with their own. Start with bringing intention into this process. For a moment, pretend that no one else is involved in the process OR that everyone involved would be 100% agreeable with you. Then ask:
What do I want this to look like?
What would I want to get out of this experience?
If I could plan this all myself, just for me, what would be different?
Take time to write out or verbally say your responses out loud (even if no one else is around) to acknowledge them for yourself. Once you’ve been able to clarify your goals, preferences, or needs for yourself, it will be easier to communicate them more clearly to others.
Prioritize self-care
You’ve heard the sayings before, “you can’t pour from an empty cup” or “you have to put your oxygen mask on first before you help someone else with theirs.” It’s one thing to hear it, but another thing to implement it.
Add self-care into your existing activities: Start with adding positive aspects to something you’re already doing to make it work better for you. For example, instead of calling family and friends on your commute home from work to check-in with everyone, take that time to listen to nostalgic music or an audiobook you’ve been wanting to check-out. Grab some nice smelling shower steamers and let the aroma’s make your shower like a spa experience once in a while. Find your “comfort show” to put on while you’re doing chores around the house to bring you some laughs while you’re folding towels and washing dishes.
Create the time: Think of things that you can do in 10 minutes or less. As great as it would be to have an hour or more of self-care every single day, so many of us just don’t have enough hours in the week to do that. You may find some smaller moments each day to spend with yourself, and then you may expand that once or twice a week into some longer chunks of time.
Choose recharging activities: Recharging is not the same as relaxing. Recharging is when you participate in things aligned with your values or needs that boost your emotional energy. Curious about what this looks like for you? Check out this blog to learn about the difference, and ideas for recharging your mind, body, soul, and connections with others.
Set boundaries
Healthy boundaries absolutely exist in healthy relationships. In fact, they can be necessary for keeping the relationships in healthy spaces for everyone involved. Setting boundaries may be a big change for you, and you do not have to do it all at once. You can gradually set boundaries, and modify them as you gain a clearer picture of what you need them to look like.
Saying no: “No” is absolutely, without a doubt, a complete sentence. As much as your brain tries to convince you otherwise, you do not owe anyone a reason for saying no. Easier said than done, I know! Build the practice up by starting with small requests from people you trust. As you practice, remember that if you spend the energy justifying it to others, all you’re doing is giving them more fuel to poke at your reasons until you give in.
Setting limits: Some people are really good at testing boundaries and taking advantage, and the eldest daughter’s people-pleasing tendencies can get them in sticky situations here. Communicating expectations or abilities ahead of time can help with this when we’re able to anticipate the need. Honoring those limits when they’re reached help you to feel respected in the relationship, which supports the sustainability of the relationship.
Use your support system
“It takes a village” and you know you are an active participant in so many other people’s villages. It’s important that you allow others to be an active participant in yours as well.
Ask for help: Other people cannot read your mind. If you don’t say it, they won’t know it. Asking for help by communicating a need is vital in our support system knowing how to help. Be clear in your requests so others know what you’re asking and you don’t walk away from a situation feeling they only did half the ask, when they think they checked all the boxes!
Delegate: Teamwork makes the dream work! Consider the things on your to-do list that others may be more of an expert in, and allow them to help. If your partner does his own laundry anyway, let him take over making sure your kids soccer uniform is clean and ready for practice!
Therapy
Creating change is hard, especially with patterns that have been present most all of your life. Working with a therapist can help you to build insight, recognize what’s working vs not working, and explore some meaningful and sustainable changes. Get connected with a therapist specializing in some of the ways Oldest Daughter Syndrome shows up for you, such as therapy for overthinkers or therapy for imposter syndrome. Not sure how to find the right therapist for you? Check out this blog!
Are you ready to break free from the patterns and overcome Oldest Daughter Syndrome?
Kimberleigh can help! Start prioritizing you today and schedule a consult with Mindfully Balanced Therapy to learn more about what creating lasting change looks like!
