“My partner thinks I need therapy!”
One of the first things I ask in a consult call with a new potential client is:
“what is the thing that made you think now is the time I really need to get started with (or get back into) therapy?”
So many of my clients have said “my husband is such a good listener, but said I really need to talk with a professional about this stuff because he doesn’t know what else to say” or “my partner said they’re concerned about how anxious I’ve been in the last few months, and how irritable it’s made me with our family” or “my husband has been in therapy and mentioned I should think about giving it a try too.”
My clients are often so busy focusing on everyone else’s needs that they forget about their own until someone calls it out. And while they’re partners are definitely benefitting from all the time, love, and attention my clients give to them, they also very much recognize my clients need more for themselves.
Many have great support systems of family, or friends, or a combination of both. They have space to vent and blow off steam. They get the emotional support and validation they need in the moment to feel better…sometimes. But then sometimes the support system they’ve created isn’t quite working how they thought it would.
What does it look like when my support system isn’t working?
Sometimes our support people can offer us too much support.
We have that one really good friend who always takes our side. This can feel really good at first, and we really feel heard when she says things like “OMG YOU’RE RIGHT!” But then at the end of the conversation, we feel like the intensity of our emotion has actually INCREASED rather than decreased. In her effort to support us, she actually egged us on even more. Now we’re MORE overwhelmed, MORE frustrated, MORE stressed than we were when we started talking. Her efforts were well-intentioned, it was just more than we needed.
Sometimes our support people can feel exhausted.
It’s really hard for us to see the people we love and care about struggle or experience any kind of physical or emotional pain. There have probably been many moments in your life where you wish you could just take your child’s, your partner’s, or your friend’s pain and deal with it yourself. Likewise, sometimes it’s hard for your partner to see you struggle with emotional pain or overwhelming stress. Especially when it’s the kind of stress that doesn’t have a quick-and-easy solution that they can do for you. While they want to give you support, they might start to feel exhausted by feeling there’s nothing they can do to help you feel better in the long-term.
Sometimes WE can feel exhausted.
Having a support system of multiple people is great, and I do recommend that (future blog on this coming soon). But when we feel we’re having to break down the play-by-play situations with everyone in our support system every time something happens, we can get tired. Tired of telling the same story 10 times. Tired of hearing the same “oh no, that’s terrible. I would not want to be in your shoes” 10 times. Tired of walking away from those conversations feeling validated, but also still very much stuck in a problem that’s continuing or likely to happen again without any new solutions.
Why didn’t I realize I needed help until my partner told me?
Many of my clients, as with many women in our society are used to focusing on the needs of others first and foremost. (Side note, it’s also easier for us as humans in general to focus on other people’s problems because it’s easier for us to be objective and problem solve solutions).
When it comes to mental health, they’re really good at checking-in with friends having a tough time, mediating tension between their siblings and parents, getting their kids to therapy appointments between school and sports, and being a great listening ear for their partner. But that doesn’t leave much time or energy for themselves.
The fact is your to-do list in terms of caring for other people is endless. There’s always going to be 3 more people that need or want something from you today. When you aren’t taking the time to check-in on how you’re doing on the inside, you may not realize something is off until your partner mentions their concern.
Even then, it can be hard for some to make themselves a priority and start therapy.
How does not being in therapy affect my partner?
There are thousands of answers to this question, each dependent on how your stress, anxiety, or overall mental health concerns may be showing up in your relationship.
When my clients first start in therapy, it’s common for them to talk about feeling irritable with their partner. Sometimes that’s because they feel an imbalance in the relationship and they’re handling more of the responsibilities at home or with the family. Sometimes that’s because they’re feeling unappreciated for all they do. But sometimes it’s because they’re so overwhelmed and exhausted by the end of the day, they’re not able to give as much patience to their partner as they used to.
If it goes on for awhile, that irritability has the potential to lead to: more arguments more often, both you and your partner feeling defensive around one another, you feeling guilty about how you are or aren’t showing up in the relationship, or your partner feeling like they’re “walking on egg shells” which can then lead to even more feelings of guilt for you.
So how do I get started with therapy?
It’s important to find the right therapist to work with!
Schedule a consult with Mindfully Balanced Therapy now to learn more about how Kimberleigh can help you, or click read this blog about how to find a therapist!
